How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
