I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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