my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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