Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
