So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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