My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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