u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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