I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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