I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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