I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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