She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
this hospital has no fireball
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
