put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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