Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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