Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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