guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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