i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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