Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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