Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
