I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
