She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
