What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
