tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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