I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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