I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
