Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
They have beer where we have blood.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
