sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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