he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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