I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
