I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
