i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Watching her eat just hurts me
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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