Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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