how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize