she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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