Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
