if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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