If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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