Your face is a jimmy john
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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