I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
