I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
