I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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