Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
