Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How's work?
Spinning.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize