I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He passed out mid-signature
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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