i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
