She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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