So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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