1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
