you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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