I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
