Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
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