So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
