i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize