i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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