bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
