first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
