some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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