I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
