I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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