stop calling my apartment porn island.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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