After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
