i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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